Rate this vehicular atrocity *Star Review*

Rate This Day Star Reviews are a little bit more special than our normal reviews (because they’re longer), read on for a more detailed look at the featured item…

Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights

 

There comes a game every once in a while that just offends me on almost every level. I’ve never particularly been in to sports games as such, exceptions can be made here and there for things like the Project Gotham series, Sensible Soccer and Wii Sports (I think that counts). Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights picks up (presumably) from a game I haven’t played. So preconceptions are out the window and I’m fresh in to the experience with no expectations whatsoever; who cares that the last game sucked? I certainly don’t know if it did. I really wish I had played it now just so I could brace myself for the numbing onslaught of digital disappointment which the game thusly rendered for me.

Juiced 2 is bad. I mean really bad. I can’t quite muster enough energy to come up with a language-bending analogy as to how truly atrocious this piece of software is. It’s (moderately) polished, (moderately) playable and perfectly moderately functional as interactive electronic entertainment but the level of crushing and honestly frightening awfulness is only really apparent when you take a step back and think about it. This game is not ’so bad it’s offensive’ (or even ’so bad it’s funny’). No readers, it’s bad because it is offensive.

Offensive in the way it caters to the absolute lowest common denominator that consitutes the current gaming demographic in this country, and most countries for that matter. It’s about riding hard with a rude ‘tude, pimping your ride to get the chicks, lowering suspension, fattening tyres, using nitros, placing bets, earning money for the clubs and generally it’s all about the street cred. ‘Coz if you ain’t got the ride, you ain’t got the cred (or whatever). The diseased loading screens even feature a looping silhouette of a girl go-go dancing or whatever she thinks she’s doing. A female announcer tells me when I’ve finished making my selection to “drop the hammer to start the race”, which is the “hammer” button again? What the hell is she talking about?!

It gets worse, you can bet on other players if you want. Each of these other stereotyped individuals have their own ‘unique’ personality and upon cycling through them the sickeningly trendy female announcer says a quick something about each one. I winced and made a face similar to the review photo when I highlighted Pierre and was told “Pierre is French, but don’t be hating”. Ah, excellent. I’m glad to see that game developers have decided that mild racism is now a key factor in a development cycle, they’re obviously factoring this in as being a crucial part of character development. But enough of the ranting (for now), how does it play…?

The game itself works OK, it looks pretty much like Burnout but Juiced 2 doesn’t seem to like on-screen action. Start the race on a straight and you’re all right but start to turn in to a corner with at least one other car and the framerate drops so low it’s practically mining for coal. That’s pretty much the only problem I had with the game on a purely mechanical level, I would’ve enjoyed it more if it hadn’t been for those poxy other characters chiming in over the in-car radio saying typical girly things like “I’m so stupid!”.

The game wears it’s influences on it’s sleeve with pride: Burnout, Ridge Racer, Need For Speed are all on show but quite simply as much as I hate Burnout and Need For Speed, I’ll admit that Juiced 2 is not a patch on these games. They’re not my thing as it were but they don’t offend me as a human being capable of rational thought. As a result Juiced2 could end up becoming an ultra-niche game, simply not good enough to prise gamers away from the warm, familiar embrace of EA’s other street racer offerings. When the GAME store doors shut at the end of the day there’ll be hundreds of copies of this apalling waste of a disc lining the shelves because it simply tried to do what everyone else was doing, only nowhere near as professionally. (Please note that the final score is taking into account that the game proper, content stripped away, is still a functional title)

If I was the kind of person that had ‘Put Your Hands Up For Detroit’ as my ringtone I would rate this game: 7 out of 7

Juiced 2’s ability to transcend what it means to be a game and actually cause me genuine offense: 7 out of 7

Rated: 1 out of 7