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Jon Cooper

I met Jon several years ago while attending Barton Peveril Sixth Form College and we’ve been friends ever since, ‘coz that’s just the kinda guy Jon is. Mr Cooper has this innate talent to be able to talk to absolutely anyone like he’s known them for years, a talent which, one would imagine, plays a key role in his unending quest for world domination.

His capabilities however do not extend simply to be able to waffle about absolute rubbish for hours on end. Jon can also smoke, walk quickly and write plays (some of which are very good apparently, but this is not a review of Mr Cooper’s literary output). And what a smoker! Never before have I seen a cigarette enjoyed with such panache, he truly is a master of whatever art he turns his nicotine-stained hand to.

Life in Bermondsey cannot be easy for one so accustomed to the finer things they enjoyed in Dalston but Jon Cooper remains modest and mild in his current surroundings. Living in a flat with this perfect gentleman really must be quite a thrill and I positively quiver with glowing envy at the thought of others sharing the same fridge-freezer as him. But this South London pad is not where you find the real Jon Cooper. The definite article is to be found frequenting the all-night light-footed box socials of our nation’s capital. Lock up your daughters, Mother London! No-one is safe when this fire-headed Lothario unleashes himself on the unsuspecting.

All in all, a brilliant example of a human being. Actually while I think about it, Mother London, lock up your sons as well.

Emotional depth of conversation when Jon gets drunk: 7 out of 7

Camp factor: 6 out of 7

Rated: 7 out of 7