Rate this wooden and metallic wonder

Damien’s Desk

(The following review was actually penned by new recruit (kinda) Damien Hadley. The thoughts and opinions are by no means that of myself or anyone else I know for that matter, you have been warned)

This is my desk, there are many like it but this one is mine; without it, I am useless, without me, it is useless.  Of course the latter part of this statement is not true, my desk will still function after I have shouted “Screw You!” and left; and I will still function after it has collapsed into a pile unable to support even the lightest of paper.

I spend about 5 hours a day, Monday to Friday, at my desk, which is roughly 25 hours a week sat at my desk.  Only my bed beats my desk on a where-do-I-spend-my-time chart.  I have named her “Old Desky”.  The top of Old Desky is made of wood which presumably has some kind of coating, this leaves her inherently cold and me annoyed, two screws are missing so in a strong wind she would break, the lock on the drawers doesn’t work and she is exactly the right height to give me a dead leg when I neglect to look where I’m going.

Despite all the bad points I feel a certain warmth towards Desky, she doesn’t care if I have a hangover, she doesn’t mind if I don’t do any work, this ranks her higher than my boss. Phones, computers and staplers get the same attention from me but Old Desky has remained the longest.  Whilst I have lost two pens this morning I have a 100% record for keeping desks. Old Desky even helps me emphasis points by letting me slam my fist down whilst she lets out a clearly audible, satisfying thud.

Most importantly of all, Old Desky has wrinkles on her surface easily enabling me to bring comedy to my day by making my paperwork look like it’s been scribed by a blind monkey with slugs for fingers and a pen the size of Hulk Hogan.

Ability to provide a flat surface for all of my scared-of-gravity items: 7 out of 7

The way she lets anyone use her: 2 out of 7

Rated: 6 out of 7

Rate this welcome solution for standing

Chairs

 

The chair – where would we be without it. Well probably standing up an awful lot actually, wishing there was something to take the weight off our legs.

Chairs are a fantastic invention & always there to welcome you when you come home after a hard day at work. Never does a chair look more inviting and comfortable than after a day of pounding the streets, standing for what seems an eternity on the tube and also after a soul destroying day of the nations favourite sport – queuing. Chairs are like a constant home companion, ever ready for you to collapse into.

 

There are many different forms of chair, each with their own benefits. The sofa, or rather my own sofa, is my particular favourite. I’ve had my sofa for a while, and over time the cushions have moulded themselves perfectly to fit my posterior – perfect for optimum comfort. Office chairs are a surprising favourite chair type of mine as well. Office chairs are ergonomically designed to support our backs and correct our posture, but the added genius of office chairs is that they come with wheels. Hands up who has not participated in a game of ‘Extreme office chair racing’ I put it to you to name one other piece of office furniture that has the same fun factor level. Impossible isn’t it?

Chairs of course can be deceptive. Whilst we would like to think that chairs are designed for comfort, some chairs it seems, don’t even do that. Never have I sat on a comfortable dining table chair – designers of these are missing a trick. With dining chairs you cannot relax and sit back into them after stuffing yourself with food, instead you have to sit upright whilst your expanded stomach digs painfully into your trouser band.

Another disliked chair of mine are bar stools. I hate climbing onto bar stools as I cannot help but feel like I’m about to perform a duet with Anita Dobson on Top of the Pops Two. They are also a hazard for drunk people as getting on and off bar stools suddenly becomes a mammoth effort whilst you struggle to maintain some form of dignity.

Of course the true power of the chair is shown on tube journeys home. I think all of us experience some sort of joy at being able to grab a seat on the tube journey home. This is of course, after a long day spent at the office… sitting.

Rated: 5 out of 7